A New Start

Over the course of the past few weeks, I've decided to go for my dream...a PhD in Mathematics. I have no idea where this will lead me. I don't care. For once, I am not fighting myself or anyone for what I have wanted since I was 16. This personal goal has rekindled my passion and enthusiasm for academia. The previous years, I have been a mere shadow of myself. Always looking for something, I have finally found what I lost all these years...myself.

Another new avenue in my life is becoming a Math tutor for my university. It's amazing...being paid to help others when I would willingly do it for free. It's seeing the light shine in someone's eyes when they realize a concept that is the greatest reward for me. A bit altruistic, perhaps, but for me no amount of money in this world can replace knowledge.

I remember when I was 30, I laid in bed night after night crying. My life was empty, I was empty. I felt stagnant, weak, isolated...depressed. I was reading books, picking up new hobbies, watching TV, but nothing struck a cord in me. It was when I went to Scotland that my life changed. Asked a question by a person who had more interest in me than I did, I changed that night. The question, "Why not be a teacher if that's what you want to do?" I had no answer and it was then I knew it was time to pursue my dream. I was always told that a worthy goal for me was to play the role of wife and mother...roles I was not ready nor willing to play at that time. I did not know the reasons until my impending marriage neared and I found myself growing more despondent and desperate. Desperate to not marry a person I did not share an affinity with...who saw me as someone who filled a purpose in his life. This to me is not what a marriage is about.

I no longer have apprehensions marrying now. The main reason is because marriage is no longer a pre-requisite to my self-image as a woman and lifelong partner. I realize now that my past experiences have taught me valuable lessons, but they are not predictors of events in my future. I no longer am afraid of marriage just as I am no longer afraid of pursuing my dreams. I am living for myself.

Over the past 2 years I have made selfish choices. I realize that these decisions have been in my best interest despite what my family has voiced. Simply by being happy and content with my current lifestyle, life choices, and enthusiastic about my future I have a difficult time seeing what I could be possibly doing that is wrong. My conclusion - nothing except living my life.

Posted by Karen Looker on Mon, 12 Dec 2005 00:24
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Jealousy

Today, there was a moment when I was angry again at a person. When I thought more of what I was angry about, I realized it was because I was jealous. I read up on jealousy tonight and the message I kept getting was that jealousy is a reaction to a threat of the self. This strikes more to the root of what I was angry about. How can a relationship with a person in my life be threatened by another person? It can't. I am slowly realizing that having confidence in the integrity of my relationship with other people is a key to unraveling my jealousy. I had difficulty understanding this until tonight when I had to deal with feelings of anger again with this person. Then I realized that there was nothing for me to fear.

Posted by Karen Looker on Mon, 12 Dec 2005 00:04
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