Sandy Max Green

http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=4385601&page=1

http://blog.wired.com/underwire/2008/03/report-gary-gyg.html go rest his soul. He shaped my teenage years. Will raise a glass in his honor tonight. I find this a suitable quote for his death, and one that embodies much of what GG has given me through his creative efforts: "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." - Plato Thanks for everything Gary

So back to work tomorrow. Got hit to cover someone. feeling like shit but off i go. Up in the am. I am overcome with apathy. I am happy at home.

So the workout I am doing is so intense i almost vomited the other day. it is supposed to be done every other day but I am not man enough. 2 more days of freedom and then i get bitch slapped by work. I can feel my time in boston ending. I am ready to move on despite the fact that I love boston and the things it offers.

I am on the phone getting chewed out about the way I handle a medical situation. I hate getting blamed for something that was not my fault.

So I joined facebook. It seems so silly to me I must say, but yet i find it strangely addictive. I really must say it is as a whole a complete waste of time, and represents so many things I find so wrong about the way we currently interact in society. The one redeeming quality is that it allows friends to find each other who have not been in contact. I fear we are losing the ability to talk in person. and relate. I really fear this as it allows us to dehumanize each other.

I am old. Happy b-day to me. Leaving for Mexico Monday. Whoopy!

I often think, what the hell would happen if I ran for office, and someone dug up what I have written on this blog. i would be screwed. It leads me to a musing about the internet, one that wired recently brought up about us exposing our true selves on the net. how we feel that due to the fact that we are sitting at home in our underwear as we talk about the fact that we like to fuck furries or some other odd pastime, that we feel safe because we feel anonymity. Well that is not true any more. People find you. Also I have been thinking. If i took this blog down today, how long would it be before any content that might have been out there on the net was gone? Would years from now, someone looking for it still be able to find remainders? I feel the net is the perfect personification of current societal state. transient, not biased in meat space, without real human to human connections. We would rather talk on the phone or over email the deal with the real thing.

So home sick. Had a bit of vertigo x 2 days, and mt fellow SAR sent me home today. I am back on service. Have to say, i forgot how much i like teaching. It is fun to have the medical studenst, they are so doe eyed and eager. They want to learn and know almost nothing. You forget how much as a third year you have already learned. Got the new translation of war and peace, should be fun to read. Must say despite my illness I feel pretty good.

Went to hell night last night. It is put on by a well know Boston restaurant. It is a night where they make to hottest food they possible can, and people pay to eat it. I made a good showing. I ate the "hottest pepper in the world" It is called the Naga Jolokia pepper (ghost pepper). It is between 1 million and 1.2 million scoville units.I ate the pepper it self and a dish with it in it. I had to sign a fake waver to do it. I have to say after the initial effect you get a heedy endorphin rush that is very pleasurable. My stomach was not to happy last night though. They gave me a tee shit b/c they where so impressed....kind of funny. Also a person from the history channel was there filming, I am going to be on tv...lol

So I have been really into retro video game tees recently. Thinking about getting one with the contra code on yes, I know you know it. Anyone who played NES does. If you don't your not my generation or you are a definite noob.

Just worked the overnight in the ICU. I am not doing it because I have to, i am doing it because they pay me bank to do it. It is kind of fun being an attending before my time. I like teaching the residents and caring for the pts. They are not that sick despite the fact that they are ICU pts. Came home and got a huge cup of coffee. Cleaned up my desk at my computer. Sort of savoring the last free days I have before really going back to work. Going to a boson restaurant that is supposed to have some of the hottest food. looking forward to it. It is called "Hellnight." Gonna cry and sweat tonight. I like a slow pace of life i think....

I just realized I have not posted in a year...holly crap. I am a lazy punk....

Been a while. I mean to write, but don't get around to it. I find excuses, do what I can to dodge writing. Really its not you its me..... So life is good. As A SAR (a Sr. resident). I have a lot more free time and work a lot less hours. I have spent about 2 months on research and VK. It has been good. Working out again, publishing a paper and just sort of hanging out. Sort of getting ready to move as well even though it is still about 6 months away. About to have 3 months of hell though. Lots of ICU months coming up which i am not sure I am ready for. I like me easy life right now. I have to say I like not working. Hopefully I will start writting again.....

Jamie and I will be flying to Italy soon. We will be there fro several days, should be fun. Large dinner party last night, quite a good time. Cooked all day with Jamie, and her sister who was in town. On Day float, a pretty crappy job. Spend most of my time following up on scut as apposed to making real treatment choices. looks like I am gonna do Cards, and I have to say i am very nervouse. Very competitive. The thing is, The only place MGH'ers have trouble matching is outside boston, but I think I will want to be inside boston, though it is not just my choice. Talk of what are life will be like as we move foward, talk of kids and such. Talk of goals. Still hard. lots of pressure, not so fun. Hard time coming. CCU followed by SDU. Two months of brutal call. At least when all is said and done, I will have decided what to do with my life.

Curent Music: IZ: somewhere over the Rainbow So after a while you get sick of fighting. At what point, in any given relationship do you say, " I have fought and fought and now I am done fighting?" How much life do you invest and not get the return you want before you walk away? I know, I know relationships are about give and take, about not always getting what you need, but when you feel important things to you are not reaching fufillment, when do you say enough? This is not just in relationships I think this. This question arise in all activities. Often, we say enough at not some rational point, but when we gret mad enough to do something rash. That does not seem the right way to make a choice....... Some random thoughts: I am sick. It is funny, I now longer blink when I make the choice to let a pt go. I watched a young man, normal the day before, herniate his brain and die out of the blue. Nothing could be done for him, but should I not feel saddened? I watch a cancer pt, living, loving, taking a walk with her family the day before, bleed out slowly, drop but drop in front of a stunned husband. we are so fragile. These people never once thought they would be dead in one day, unable to say goodby, with a tube in thier mouth, hands in restraints so that they do not pull out the things keeping them alive. Do not stop the efforts to keep them alive past thier rightfull time. I hear the voices of the family's saying, "He would want everything." Any yet they do not understand what "everything" entails. The tourture. They say, "It would be killing him to stop treating. God, and our beliefs do not allow murder or suicide" What they fail to understand is that what we are doing is unnatural, against "god's" will. We keep people alive long after thier bodies and god has told them it is time to die..... I still feel the man's ribs beneath my hands, breaking as I push on his chest trying to make his heart beat. Each push with an audable crack. The detachment as the human meat fails before me. On I push until the ribs stop breaking, almost feeling the bed below the crushed body with each push. Him failing. The meds failing. Me failing. I feel my own flesh, weak. I feel fear, cold.

Back, after a a long hiatus. Since last posting I have become a Jr medical resident, stopped playing WOW, Lead a Bigalow team, lead a MICU Team, and generally worked way out of my medical abilities. Where to start, so many choices. First of all, MICU. Hate to say it, still don't like it. ICU care is not my stick. Lots of sick people, lots of unceritan choices, lots of saving people from "natural" deaths to live a zero sum quality of life. We often hurt people with the things we do. We tourture dying people. We save a few. Brutal. The phisiology is nice, the peopel good, but that is about as far as it goes. Leading a floor team: I must say, the best medical experiance I have ever had. I had fantabulous interns, a great floor, a equal partner in my JR, and some great cases. Being a Jr is so much better then being an intern. You have to time to think though you still work like a dog. You are free from all the crap work of internship, and get to see all the great cases. It is very fufilling.

This is a test. This works, more to come.....

Back in the ED. Work up this morning, and saw my lovly wife in bed, just wanted to lie back down. Sleep walk to the train. Spooky moment. Thought I saw Shelby. Fleeting Ghosts.

Sitting in the ED. ETOH withdrawl, psychosocial issues blah blah blah.

Clock is ticking.

About to be a Jr. mecical resident.

Already feel the wieght of responsibility.

Need reeding time.

When I am free at home I do nothing but play games.

Not really fufilling.

J's b-day coming up.

Lingering doubts.

Change show on my mind. Was made fun of by my peers, but good natured.

Still stings. Bad to be noticed at all.

Hard not to be when you are brutily honest and confident, nay occasionally arrogent one might say.

Time drags on.

Once again, find myself sitting at the computer, in the hospital, at the nursing station, as the night marches on.

Taking care of a fellow doctors family member. That is hard. The familymember is doing a good job showing restraint, but of course it is extra pressure for everyone involved.

I am adjusting to the night schedule but don't like it. It is very hard having a topsy tervy day.

I have one open bed on the floor.....waiting for that admission.....it will come...

Wife is at home and has her days off.

Have work I should be doing, and am not. Not that I am doing anything constructive, just sitting on my ass looking at e-bay.

Found a lot of old AD&D. Very tempted to bid on it not that I will ever get to play again.

Guess that is why I like WOW so much. Can always play it.

poem:

E-bay provides the portal

Back to younger days with joy

with share of sadness