Sandy Max Green

Returned home now Coldness has entered my bones Dust blows in the wind

I often think, what the hell would happen if I ran for office, and someone dug up what I have written on this blog. i would be screwed. It leads me to a musing about the internet, one that wired recently brought up about us exposing our true selves on the net. how we feel that due to the fact that we are sitting at home in our underwear as we talk about the fact that we like to fuck furries or some other odd pastime, that we feel safe because we feel anonymity. Well that is not true any more. People find you. Also I have been thinking. If i took this blog down today, how long would it be before any content that might have been out there on the net was gone? Would years from now, someone looking for it still be able to find remainders? I feel the net is the perfect personification of current societal state. transient, not biased in meat space, without real human to human connections. We would rather talk on the phone or over email the deal with the real thing.

Just worked the overnight in the ICU. I am not doing it because I have to, i am doing it because they pay me bank to do it. It is kind of fun being an attending before my time. I like teaching the residents and caring for the pts. They are not that sick despite the fact that they are ICU pts. Came home and got a huge cup of coffee. Cleaned up my desk at my computer. Sort of savoring the last free days I have before really going back to work. Going to a boson restaurant that is supposed to have some of the hottest food. looking forward to it. It is called "Hellnight." Gonna cry and sweat tonight. I like a slow pace of life i think....

Been a while. I mean to write, but don't get around to it. I find excuses, do what I can to dodge writing. Really its not you its me..... So life is good. As A SAR (a Sr. resident). I have a lot more free time and work a lot less hours. I have spent about 2 months on research and VK. It has been good. Working out again, publishing a paper and just sort of hanging out. Sort of getting ready to move as well even though it is still about 6 months away. About to have 3 months of hell though. Lots of ICU months coming up which i am not sure I am ready for. I like me easy life right now. I have to say I like not working. Hopefully I will start writting again.....

Jamie and I will be flying to Italy soon. We will be there fro several days, should be fun. Large dinner party last night, quite a good time. Cooked all day with Jamie, and her sister who was in town. On Day float, a pretty crappy job. Spend most of my time following up on scut as apposed to making real treatment choices. looks like I am gonna do Cards, and I have to say i am very nervouse. Very competitive. The thing is, The only place MGH'ers have trouble matching is outside boston, but I think I will want to be inside boston, though it is not just my choice. Talk of what are life will be like as we move foward, talk of kids and such. Talk of goals. Still hard. lots of pressure, not so fun. Hard time coming. CCU followed by SDU. Two months of brutal call. At least when all is said and done, I will have decided what to do with my life.

Curent Music: IZ: somewhere over the Rainbow So after a while you get sick of fighting. At what point, in any given relationship do you say, " I have fought and fought and now I am done fighting?" How much life do you invest and not get the return you want before you walk away? I know, I know relationships are about give and take, about not always getting what you need, but when you feel important things to you are not reaching fufillment, when do you say enough? This is not just in relationships I think this. This question arise in all activities. Often, we say enough at not some rational point, but when we gret mad enough to do something rash. That does not seem the right way to make a choice....... Some random thoughts: I am sick. It is funny, I now longer blink when I make the choice to let a pt go. I watched a young man, normal the day before, herniate his brain and die out of the blue. Nothing could be done for him, but should I not feel saddened? I watch a cancer pt, living, loving, taking a walk with her family the day before, bleed out slowly, drop but drop in front of a stunned husband. we are so fragile. These people never once thought they would be dead in one day, unable to say goodby, with a tube in thier mouth, hands in restraints so that they do not pull out the things keeping them alive. Do not stop the efforts to keep them alive past thier rightfull time. I hear the voices of the family's saying, "He would want everything." Any yet they do not understand what "everything" entails. The tourture. They say, "It would be killing him to stop treating. God, and our beliefs do not allow murder or suicide" What they fail to understand is that what we are doing is unnatural, against "god's" will. We keep people alive long after thier bodies and god has told them it is time to die..... I still feel the man's ribs beneath my hands, breaking as I push on his chest trying to make his heart beat. Each push with an audable crack. The detachment as the human meat fails before me. On I push until the ribs stop breaking, almost feeling the bed below the crushed body with each push. Him failing. The meds failing. Me failing. I feel my own flesh, weak. I feel fear, cold.

Back, after a a long hiatus. Since last posting I have become a Jr medical resident, stopped playing WOW, Lead a Bigalow team, lead a MICU Team, and generally worked way out of my medical abilities. Where to start, so many choices. First of all, MICU. Hate to say it, still don't like it. ICU care is not my stick. Lots of sick people, lots of unceritan choices, lots of saving people from "natural" deaths to live a zero sum quality of life. We often hurt people with the things we do. We tourture dying people. We save a few. Brutal. The phisiology is nice, the peopel good, but that is about as far as it goes. Leading a floor team: I must say, the best medical experiance I have ever had. I had fantabulous interns, a great floor, a equal partner in my JR, and some great cases. Being a Jr is so much better then being an intern. You have to time to think though you still work like a dog. You are free from all the crap work of internship, and get to see all the great cases. It is very fufilling.

Back in the ED. Work up this morning, and saw my lovly wife in bed, just wanted to lie back down. Sleep walk to the train. Spooky moment. Thought I saw Shelby. Fleeting Ghosts.

Sitting in the ED. ETOH withdrawl, psychosocial issues blah blah blah.

Clock is ticking.

About to be a Jr. mecical resident.

Already feel the wieght of responsibility.

Need reeding time.

When I am free at home I do nothing but play games.

Not really fufilling.

J's b-day coming up.

Lingering doubts.

Change show on my mind. Was made fun of by my peers, but good natured.

Still stings. Bad to be noticed at all.

Hard not to be when you are brutily honest and confident, nay occasionally arrogent one might say.

Time drags on.

Once again, find myself sitting at the computer, in the hospital, at the nursing station, as the night marches on.

Taking care of a fellow doctors family member. That is hard. The familymember is doing a good job showing restraint, but of course it is extra pressure for everyone involved.

I am adjusting to the night schedule but don't like it. It is very hard having a topsy tervy day.

I have one open bed on the floor.....waiting for that admission.....it will come...

Wife is at home and has her days off.

Have work I should be doing, and am not. Not that I am doing anything constructive, just sitting on my ass looking at e-bay.

Found a lot of old AD&D. Very tempted to bid on it not that I will ever get to play again.

Guess that is why I like WOW so much. Can always play it.

poem:

E-bay provides the portal

Back to younger days with joy

with share of sadness

Sitting on my overnight shift. Working the "Nightfloat" job, which is admitting and crosscover all night.

My schedule is so wacked right now.

To fill you in. went to Hawaii for ten days with my wife and part of her fam. Felt good afterwards.

You see I was on the point of a break down.

I was tired, and after 21/2 months of being on call I just did not care. I did not care about my pts and I did not care what people thought of me.

Not good.

This are now better.

Everyone needs a break now and then.

It is funny being on nights. The world is very different at night. Sleeping from 8 am to 4 pm makes you feel very wierd.

life is once again pretty good.

Almost done being an intern. On to a Jr. Not rdy.

don't know enough to be a Jr.

People tell me I will be alright, but it is not the way I feel

insecurity

Little poem action

Floating throught the night

The Beeper goes off without stop

A new day will dawn

Back. It has been a while, this blog must seem like Seths blog......

This are going well. Just sent a paper off to a major journel (proofread of course by my wife) and joined a Gyn so I could pay to not go to it.

On team 3 which is an oncology floor, not sure I really like onc. Family in town soon, and a bit of a break coming. Sandy my broncs lost.

Got home early.

Jamie and I had x-mas last night. Opening presents, thoughs of family, feeling loved but missing the tradition of being home.

Good food from friends.

Sad for people spending the holidays sick.

Greatful I can bring joy to them.

All is not right in the world, but doing my part.

Merry Xmas!

So I am working tommorow. And the next day. Sigh......

At least on holidays the hospiltal is quiet. Only trully sick people come in on the holidays, b/c who wants to be there on x-mas.

Submitted my first abstract to a national conferance.

Wrapped my present to Jamie, think she will love it.

She already opened her nano.

Hope you all out there are doing well.

Much love!

Signed,

Santa Sandy

I have become addicted to Cheese popcorn.

Such a strange thing to be eating this regularly.

I am bleeding . Lots. There is blood on the floor.

Kind of funny how I can look at my own life blood pouring out on the floor,

and find myself thinking, How much blood am I loosing, would I transfuse?

The blood looks striking on the wood floor.

It's color so shocking to the eye.

Some how, a singlke spot of blood gives me the willies much more then being elbow deep in it.

Mabye it is the fact that when it is all over you it is very sureal.

When it is just in a single drop, it is chilling.

I have to get this problem fixed.......

A new day has dawned

Scattering light on High

Awake and reborn

I belive I know who you are, or at least who you live with..........

Guess you did not have to declare yourself. Your computer did it for you.

I have always perfered to think of myself as Gorgias, not Socrates.

Hmmmmm....

Hmmm.....

Baltimore.

Are you a johnny?

I am gonna let out a big sigh now.

You have a nack for missing the fundemetal point.

It is possible to be more them one thing at once.

That is the last i will say on the subject because though fun, it is to big of a waste of time to keep posting in return, instead of venting and using this forum to share with my loved ones as I normally do.

You also seemed to have missed my comment about my using these as venting, and seem to not relize there are different levles of "Identifying" with someone.

You have declared your nature, though knowing people are more then just electronic words, I would be willing to give you the benifit of the doubt.

You have brought so much energy to writting here, why not spend some of it working on yourself, or have you found that you are "perfect"?

Anyway.

Todays post:

Had a pretty good day. Worked around the house on my one day off this week, got a lot of shopping done, and cleaned. The wife is away, so I got a chance to play some games with ryan and watch CU get housed.

Reading the new Dan simmons book, which I like quite a lot. It is a strange combination of LGM, the Illiad, and SciFI. You should check it out if you get a chance.

On call tommorow. Have to say feel very spoiled. Community hospitles are not as efficent, and you just can't do what every you want. I ask the nurses to push 5 of Lopressor for me and they do @ home base, but if you ask them at where I am now they will not do it. In part b/c they are not allowed and inpart b/c they are just not as skilled i think.

Kim, Ryan and I are trying to plan a trip, interested in coming?

Meno, Have you ever read any doctorly oaths? Do you know how many of them there are? Do you actually have a clue what they say?

Try looking up wht modified Declaration of Geneva. Thats my favorite.

More to come. More patients to see......

Fool's sonata plays

vanity, shortsightedness

One is foresaken

So this will not be a finished entry. At least not until tonight. I am typing this in between my clinic patients, so you will have to be "patient".

I have decided that I cannot call my unknown interlocular "Jackass" and since they will not identify themselves I have decided I will call them "Meno."