on vacation?2006-11-30 19:27:40 -0800 personal
I've taken some time off from work. Originally, I had vague plans to use this time to try to adopt new good habits and shrug off at least a few bad ones. I had looked forward to working on languishing projects and completing long-deferred tasks. I had hoped to spend time figuring out just what it is that I want for myself, who I want myself to be. I feel that for years I have been gradually becoming less and less reflective and self-aware. I want to reverse that trend and work at being more deliberately myself. Perhaps these sundry goals are overambitious for the time I have available. I feel hollow and undisciplined right now. I now fear I will squander this time off and return to work no more happy or resolved or certain than when I began. Contrary to my hopes, I started my vacation by interrupting a long string of routine. I missed my first weekend bike ride in a long while. I stopped exercising daily. I stopped doing my daily checklist. I don't cope well with interruptions. I've slipped into a nocturnal rhythm. I've been reading a lot of fiction and gaming far too much. Getting out of bed is more difficult than ever. I seem incapable of setting goals for myself or sticking to my resolutions. And it's cold and the ants have returned.